Why didn't you tell people?

Why didn't you tell more people?  About your infertility, about going through IVF, about your miscarriages. This is a question that nobody has really asked us, but one we suspect people are thinking.  There are several reasons.

It's none of your business!  Really, it is not important to how my child came to be. Have you ever inquired how a child was conceived when done naturally?  Do you really want to know the intimate details?  We live in a culture where we our sex lives are intimate and personal. That is how I like to keep mine.  We have never been a "kiss and tell" couple.  It is something that we share privately. 

I get to make decisions about what I share with whom.  When my husband was telling co-workers about expecting a child, one woman responded (in front of others) "Oh, you did IVF, I knew it.  So glad it worked."  Wait, what?!?!  She then went onto explain that she had lunch with one of my co-workers and they were suspicious that we were going through IVF. Ummm, this co-worker never said a word to me.  So you go out to lunch and the topic is my reproductive system.  If you are worried about me, come and talk to me.  Approach me and ask me if I am going through a tough time, but keep my ovaries and uterus out of your lunch discussion.  This was another reason why we didn't tell people, we wanted to limit the gossip.  

People also suggest that if we were more open about things, then we would have had more support from others.  Once I did open up to a close friend, she told me that she suspected we were going through something and knew things were going on.  Again, I wish if people suspected things, then they would open up the conversation.  To me, you don't need details to give a friend or colleague support.  Just a quick, "hey, I'm here for you if you need anything," can go a long way.

I know that it sounds silly, but we were afraid of jinxing ourselves.  After the first transfer, we did tell a few close friends only to have to tell them we miscarried shortly after.  Even with my current pregnancy, it was hard for me to tell people of our joy and excitement.  What if, I had/have to go back and then share bad news.  To relive it over and over and explain our story repeatedly did not seem like something we could handle.  Plus you never know the reactions of others.  I know that it strained some our relationships with others.  People don't know how to respond.  They feel awkward and don't know what to say.  We were withdrawn and didn't want to be around people.  It wasn't personal, just part of our grief process. Some people say dumb things, "at least you know you can get pregnant, it will work next time, just relax and it will happen, you can always adopt", etc.  I really didn't want to hear their words, even when well intentioned.  Also, I didn't want all the questions.

Some religions frown upon IVF and decisions that we made along the way.  My husband and I are not religious, but we have family members that are deeply religious.  We were unable to predict how their beliefs would drive their reactions to our decisions.  Again, we didn't want to hear it.  Our bodies, our money, our decisions.  If others were to share their two cents, it could have damaged relationships permanently.

I wasn't ready.  I am a private person and I just wasn't ready to share it.  Still not sure I want to share it.  I know I am blogging about it now, but I haven't shared my blog with anyone. Sure, if you know me and the timeline, you could do some detective work to determine it is me.  I'm still fearful of the judgement and dumb comments that could come our way (well intended or not).

For us, it was/is a deeply personal experience.  One that only the two of us can truly understand since we went through it together.  We are fortunate that this journey has only brought us closer and stronger.    

Overcoming Loss

This is the first time I have written about our losses.  It is still raw for me, but I'm ready to share a little.  

I don't think I will ever overcome the losses that we had.  I think I just learned to cope with them.  

My first miscarriage was in July 2015.  We went for our 6 week ultrasound and was told that there was not a viable heartbeat.  There was a heartbeat, but it was so low, the doctor knew that loss was inevitable.  We were in a bit of denial.  If we just hold out a little bit longer, we thought, then she will grow stronger and her heartbeat will increase.  We went back about 10 days later, and it was confirmed, no heartbeat.  On July 23rd, I had surgery.  It devastated us.  We were so innocent prior to then.  We had a positive pregnancy test and my levels were so high.  The nurse had even commented, that we would be good and to rest easy.  After the heartbreaking news, we lost our innocence.  We grieved privately.  Only telling a few close friends and my parents.  I would make it through the work days with such strength, but come home and crumble.  Nobody at work knew.  I think I only took a day off of work.  It was a good distraction, but I wasn't really dealing with the grief well.  Honestly, I didn't know how to deal with it.  I learned to cope with the loss.    

Our second miscarriage was January 6, 2016.  It was a beautiful day, blue skies and usually warm for January in Colorado.  I was at work, keeping our pregnancy a secret still.  This time, only my parents knew.  It was harder for me to remain optimistic this time around.  At home, I would tell my husband that I doubted it would work, that something would go wrong.  Our previous loss added to the stress this time around.  I was at work when I felt a sudden gush.  I knew something was wrong.  I went to the bathroom and knew my worst fears were happening. I grabbed my bag, told my boss I was having a medical emergency.  I must have been white with fear because when I called my husband, he was on the phone with my boss who called to let him know that I ran out of work with a medical emergency.  I still think it was so thoughtful and kind of my boss to act with such care.  He had no idea that we were going through IVF, but he knew that something was going on.  My husband beat me home.  I ran into the bathroom and was on the phone with the nurses, I told her that I was gushing blood. She instructed me to get to the office immediately.  We had a hour drive to get there.  We loaded the car with towels and my husband drove me as quickly as we could get there.  Upon arrival, they immediately took us into the room.  The ultrasound showed a heartbeat and then contractions started and then everything stopped.  We watched our baby boy die.  It was devastating.  The doctor was able to remove our son from my womb.  The hemorrhaging subsided that evening.  I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time.  The doctor called it a catastrophic hemorrhage.  It was my mom's birthday and I had to call her to wish her a happy birthday.  I called.  My voice must have been shaking, she immediately asked what was wrong and I lost it.  She came over immediately and held me.  We were all devastated.  It was so much harder this time around.  It was a Wednesday, I took Thursday off work and went back on Friday.  On Friday, I just hid in my office.  I didn't talk to anyone, not really sure why I went to work.  

The grief process was terrible the second time around.  Again, I could be strong at work and in public with my secret loss, but as soon as I would come home, I crumbled.  I lost all motivation for everything.  A counselor from the IVF clinic called to check in on me.  She gave me a couple names of counselors who specialize in IVF counseling that were local.  The best thing I did was to immediately contact one of the counselors.  I met with her twice a week initially.  She helped me grieve and realize that the emotions I was having were normal.  She reassured me that grief is a personal process and different for everyone.  There was no right way to get through this.  I also came to realize that I would never overcome our losses, but learn to cope with them.  My husband was an amazing support.  He was grieving too while still being strong for me.  There would be nights where we would hold each other and cry.  There was nothing we could do, but go through the grief together.  Our counselor was there for us throughout it all.  She was always willing to listen and helped us answer our own questions, worries and fears.  She never judged us.  We never blamed ourselves for our losses which was one strength that we held onto.  

Now that I am 25 weeks pregnant, the fears and concerns sometimes still creep in.  The doctors reassured us that the 2 miscarriages were so different and not cause for concern for a future pregnancy.  (We had chromosomal testing on both babies  prior to transfer and there were no abnormalities.)  Despite this reassurance, fear still sneaks in occasionally.  I practiced a lot of mediation, positive thinking and visualization throughout the counseling sessions. That has been amazingly beneficial throughout this recent pregnancy.  Of course with the complications that we have experienced with this pregnancy I can get down and think what next, what else could go wrong.  I do know that doesn't help, so I work to get back to positive thoughts as best I can.  My husband has been so positive and strong during this pregnancy.  He continues to be my strength, my love and my rock. I can always count on him.  He encourages me to talk about things whenever I need to.  He listens with a careful ear and we work together through it all.  We are so fortunate to have each other.  We know that we will both be vulnerable at times and we know that we can always count on one another.  We still think of our 2 babies that we lost.  I will always know what their birthdates should have been.  I will always remember the feelings of loss.  And, we have learned to cope with our new normal. We learned that we can overcome anything that is thrown our direction. We learned that we are so much stronger than we ever thought!