Positive Thoughts

Yesterday, we were surrounded by supportive friends and family for our baby shower.  It was overwhelming to think of all the support, hope and love there is for our baby girl. It filled me with such joy and happiness.  It makes this journey more real and more hopeful.  

I believe that this is going to happen.  I believe that I will get to hold our baby girl in my arms and love on her.  I believe that she is going to be healthy and strong.  I believe that I will get to see my husband hold our daughter in her arms. I believe that this pregnancy is going to have a happy ending.

Today, we had another doctor's appointment.  One of my struggles has been weight gain. I haven't had any food cravings throughout this pregnancy.  I get full easily and rarely do I feel hungry.  I eat 3 meals a day, but have to remind myself to eat. I dropped a lot of weight early on because I was so sick and throwing up 3-6 times per day. For the past 4-6 weeks, I have continued to be down 6 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Last time I met with the doctor, he suggested I drink Ensure 2-3 times a day to increase my calorie intake.  Today, I was up 3 lbs from my last visit, still down 3 lbs overall, but a step in the right direction.  

Despite my weight loss and trouble gaining weight, baby girl is measuring right on track.  In fact she is measuring a little on the big side.  The doctor is very pleased with her progress. Her heartbeat is within the normal range.  She is kicking and moving a lot. Our baby girl is so strong.

We discussed the need to remove the cerclage, probably around 36-37 weeks.  I will be induced no later than 39 weeks, if she doesn't come on her own before then.  We go back in 2 weeks for our next appointment.

Now it is time to organize all the baby goods that we have been gifted.  People have been amazingly generous and kind.  We are so thankful for all that we have received.  It is hard to believe that such a little human needs so much stuff!

Beginning to Share Our Journey

It's been a heck of a ride getting to this point.  But, here I am, 21 weeks pregnant and so excited.  

Not many know our journey.  That was a decision we made.  Pros and cons exist in keeping it to ourselves.  At this point, I am ready to tell our story.  Really, I just need to get some things out.  A bit of therapy for myself.  I just need to write.  This is more for me than for others.  If others benefit and relate, great.  If not, it's not for them, it's for me. 

About 2 years ago, we decided to pursue IVF.  We always knew we would have to use IVF if we wanted to start a family.  We looked deeply into foster care before we chose this path.  It helped us decide that IVF was the path we wanted to explore.  The beginning of IVF was exciting.  We were innocent and didn't know the challenges and pain that could come with it.  Our first try resulted in a positive pregnancy test.  It also resulted in our first miscarriage.  Our second try resulted in our 2nd positive pregnancy test.  It resulted in our second devastating miscarriage.  Third transfer, resulted in our third positive pregnancy test.  This one has stuck!  Every time we go in for an appointment, I hold my breath.  In between appointments, we practice optimism and visualizing a strong, healthy baby.  It's not always easy, but we have to believe this is going to happen.  That we will become Mommy & Daddy to a live baby.  We already are Mommy & Daddy to the children we lost - but others don't see that.

This week has been tough.  On Monday, we had our 20-week ultrasound.  Everything looked great.  Baby is strong and healthy.  Organs look great, heart is strong, fingers and toes are wiggling.  But one thing, is not so great.  I have a shortened cervix, also known as an incompetent cervix (IC). We met with the doctor who shared that we needed to do something or miscarriage was inevitable.  Our happiness and excitement, quickly turned to fear and worry.  We would do anything for our little one.  Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday.  We were reassured that surgery has a high rate of success and will likely allow our baby to grow safely in the womb until it is time for birth.  

On Wednesday, we headed to the hospital for surgery.  A cervical cerclage.  General anesthesia was used, so I don't remember the procedure.  I do remember waking up with painful cramping.  It scared me that something was wrong, that I was having contractions and labor was going to occur.  I refused additionally pain meds, I didn't want my baby to be exposed to any more medication than necessary.  A few hours later, I was finally discharged and allowed to head home.  Home was where I needed to be.  That evening, the pain subsided.  

Thursday was uneventful.  My husband stayed home and pampered me.  We held each other and were thankful that my IC was caught.  The doctor indicated that I had started to dilate and we caught it in time.  We knew that we did the right thing.  

Friday morning, I woke to fluid leakage and concerning discharge.  I yelled to my husband that something was wrong.  We called the doctor and they immediately told me to get to the hospital.  Worry is an understatement.  We got there quickly and I was admitted to labor and delivery.  They checked me out and reassured us.  They believed it was just residual effects from the surgery and not concerning.  They monitored me and the the baby for several hours before discharging us from the hospital.  I felt foolish for causing so much worry for others.  My husband and parents were so concerned.  Then I remembered, I would never forgive myself for ignoring something that could potentially prevent the loss of our baby.  So, I'm glad we went and so thankful that all is well.  They did another ultrasound and we got a glimpse of our baby again - still strong and healthy.  

We go back for a follow-up appointment on Thursday.  We will get another glimpse at our baby.  At the ultrasound on Monday, they couldn't get good measurements of the spine, so they need to repeat that part.  Hopefully the remainder of this pregnancy will be typical and uneventful.