Why didn't you tell more people? About your infertility, about going through IVF, about your miscarriages. This is a question that nobody has really asked us, but one we suspect people are thinking. There are several reasons.
It's none of your business! Really, it is not important to how my child came to be. Have you ever inquired how a child was conceived when done naturally? Do you really want to know the intimate details? We live in a culture where we our sex lives are intimate and personal. That is how I like to keep mine. We have never been a "kiss and tell" couple. It is something that we share privately.
I get to make decisions about what I share with whom. When my husband was telling co-workers about expecting a child, one woman responded (in front of others) "Oh, you did IVF, I knew it. So glad it worked." Wait, what?!?! She then went onto explain that she had lunch with one of my co-workers and they were suspicious that we were going through IVF. Ummm, this co-worker never said a word to me. So you go out to lunch and the topic is my reproductive system. If you are worried about me, come and talk to me. Approach me and ask me if I am going through a tough time, but keep my ovaries and uterus out of your lunch discussion. This was another reason why we didn't tell people, we wanted to limit the gossip.
People also suggest that if we were more open about things, then we would have had more support from others. Once I did open up to a close friend, she told me that she suspected we were going through something and knew things were going on. Again, I wish if people suspected things, then they would open up the conversation. To me, you don't need details to give a friend or colleague support. Just a quick, "hey, I'm here for you if you need anything," can go a long way.
I know that it sounds silly, but we were afraid of jinxing ourselves. After the first transfer, we did tell a few close friends only to have to tell them we miscarried shortly after. Even with my current pregnancy, it was hard for me to tell people of our joy and excitement. What if, I had/have to go back and then share bad news. To relive it over and over and explain our story repeatedly did not seem like something we could handle. Plus you never know the reactions of others. I know that it strained some our relationships with others. People don't know how to respond. They feel awkward and don't know what to say. We were withdrawn and didn't want to be around people. It wasn't personal, just part of our grief process. Some people say dumb things, "at least you know you can get pregnant, it will work next time, just relax and it will happen, you can always adopt", etc. I really didn't want to hear their words, even when well intentioned. Also, I didn't want all the questions.
Some religions frown upon IVF and decisions that we made along the way. My husband and I are not religious, but we have family members that are deeply religious. We were unable to predict how their beliefs would drive their reactions to our decisions. Again, we didn't want to hear it. Our bodies, our money, our decisions. If others were to share their two cents, it could have damaged relationships permanently.
I wasn't ready. I am a private person and I just wasn't ready to share it. Still not sure I want to share it. I know I am blogging about it now, but I haven't shared my blog with anyone. Sure, if you know me and the timeline, you could do some detective work to determine it is me. I'm still fearful of the judgement and dumb comments that could come our way (well intended or not).
For us, it was/is a deeply personal experience. One that only the two of us can truly understand since we went through it together. We are fortunate that this journey has only brought us closer and stronger.
