Positive Thoughts

Yesterday, we were surrounded by supportive friends and family for our baby shower.  It was overwhelming to think of all the support, hope and love there is for our baby girl. It filled me with such joy and happiness.  It makes this journey more real and more hopeful.  

I believe that this is going to happen.  I believe that I will get to hold our baby girl in my arms and love on her.  I believe that she is going to be healthy and strong.  I believe that I will get to see my husband hold our daughter in her arms. I believe that this pregnancy is going to have a happy ending.

Today, we had another doctor's appointment.  One of my struggles has been weight gain. I haven't had any food cravings throughout this pregnancy.  I get full easily and rarely do I feel hungry.  I eat 3 meals a day, but have to remind myself to eat. I dropped a lot of weight early on because I was so sick and throwing up 3-6 times per day. For the past 4-6 weeks, I have continued to be down 6 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Last time I met with the doctor, he suggested I drink Ensure 2-3 times a day to increase my calorie intake.  Today, I was up 3 lbs from my last visit, still down 3 lbs overall, but a step in the right direction.  

Despite my weight loss and trouble gaining weight, baby girl is measuring right on track.  In fact she is measuring a little on the big side.  The doctor is very pleased with her progress. Her heartbeat is within the normal range.  She is kicking and moving a lot. Our baby girl is so strong.

We discussed the need to remove the cerclage, probably around 36-37 weeks.  I will be induced no later than 39 weeks, if she doesn't come on her own before then.  We go back in 2 weeks for our next appointment.

Now it is time to organize all the baby goods that we have been gifted.  People have been amazingly generous and kind.  We are so thankful for all that we have received.  It is hard to believe that such a little human needs so much stuff!

Why didn't you tell people?

Why didn't you tell more people?  About your infertility, about going through IVF, about your miscarriages. This is a question that nobody has really asked us, but one we suspect people are thinking.  There are several reasons.

It's none of your business!  Really, it is not important to how my child came to be. Have you ever inquired how a child was conceived when done naturally?  Do you really want to know the intimate details?  We live in a culture where we our sex lives are intimate and personal. That is how I like to keep mine.  We have never been a "kiss and tell" couple.  It is something that we share privately. 

I get to make decisions about what I share with whom.  When my husband was telling co-workers about expecting a child, one woman responded (in front of others) "Oh, you did IVF, I knew it.  So glad it worked."  Wait, what?!?!  She then went onto explain that she had lunch with one of my co-workers and they were suspicious that we were going through IVF. Ummm, this co-worker never said a word to me.  So you go out to lunch and the topic is my reproductive system.  If you are worried about me, come and talk to me.  Approach me and ask me if I am going through a tough time, but keep my ovaries and uterus out of your lunch discussion.  This was another reason why we didn't tell people, we wanted to limit the gossip.  

People also suggest that if we were more open about things, then we would have had more support from others.  Once I did open up to a close friend, she told me that she suspected we were going through something and knew things were going on.  Again, I wish if people suspected things, then they would open up the conversation.  To me, you don't need details to give a friend or colleague support.  Just a quick, "hey, I'm here for you if you need anything," can go a long way.

I know that it sounds silly, but we were afraid of jinxing ourselves.  After the first transfer, we did tell a few close friends only to have to tell them we miscarried shortly after.  Even with my current pregnancy, it was hard for me to tell people of our joy and excitement.  What if, I had/have to go back and then share bad news.  To relive it over and over and explain our story repeatedly did not seem like something we could handle.  Plus you never know the reactions of others.  I know that it strained some our relationships with others.  People don't know how to respond.  They feel awkward and don't know what to say.  We were withdrawn and didn't want to be around people.  It wasn't personal, just part of our grief process. Some people say dumb things, "at least you know you can get pregnant, it will work next time, just relax and it will happen, you can always adopt", etc.  I really didn't want to hear their words, even when well intentioned.  Also, I didn't want all the questions.

Some religions frown upon IVF and decisions that we made along the way.  My husband and I are not religious, but we have family members that are deeply religious.  We were unable to predict how their beliefs would drive their reactions to our decisions.  Again, we didn't want to hear it.  Our bodies, our money, our decisions.  If others were to share their two cents, it could have damaged relationships permanently.

I wasn't ready.  I am a private person and I just wasn't ready to share it.  Still not sure I want to share it.  I know I am blogging about it now, but I haven't shared my blog with anyone. Sure, if you know me and the timeline, you could do some detective work to determine it is me.  I'm still fearful of the judgement and dumb comments that could come our way (well intended or not).

For us, it was/is a deeply personal experience.  One that only the two of us can truly understand since we went through it together.  We are fortunate that this journey has only brought us closer and stronger.    

Overcoming Loss

This is the first time I have written about our losses.  It is still raw for me, but I'm ready to share a little.  

I don't think I will ever overcome the losses that we had.  I think I just learned to cope with them.  

My first miscarriage was in July 2015.  We went for our 6 week ultrasound and was told that there was not a viable heartbeat.  There was a heartbeat, but it was so low, the doctor knew that loss was inevitable.  We were in a bit of denial.  If we just hold out a little bit longer, we thought, then she will grow stronger and her heartbeat will increase.  We went back about 10 days later, and it was confirmed, no heartbeat.  On July 23rd, I had surgery.  It devastated us.  We were so innocent prior to then.  We had a positive pregnancy test and my levels were so high.  The nurse had even commented, that we would be good and to rest easy.  After the heartbreaking news, we lost our innocence.  We grieved privately.  Only telling a few close friends and my parents.  I would make it through the work days with such strength, but come home and crumble.  Nobody at work knew.  I think I only took a day off of work.  It was a good distraction, but I wasn't really dealing with the grief well.  Honestly, I didn't know how to deal with it.  I learned to cope with the loss.    

Our second miscarriage was January 6, 2016.  It was a beautiful day, blue skies and usually warm for January in Colorado.  I was at work, keeping our pregnancy a secret still.  This time, only my parents knew.  It was harder for me to remain optimistic this time around.  At home, I would tell my husband that I doubted it would work, that something would go wrong.  Our previous loss added to the stress this time around.  I was at work when I felt a sudden gush.  I knew something was wrong.  I went to the bathroom and knew my worst fears were happening. I grabbed my bag, told my boss I was having a medical emergency.  I must have been white with fear because when I called my husband, he was on the phone with my boss who called to let him know that I ran out of work with a medical emergency.  I still think it was so thoughtful and kind of my boss to act with such care.  He had no idea that we were going through IVF, but he knew that something was going on.  My husband beat me home.  I ran into the bathroom and was on the phone with the nurses, I told her that I was gushing blood. She instructed me to get to the office immediately.  We had a hour drive to get there.  We loaded the car with towels and my husband drove me as quickly as we could get there.  Upon arrival, they immediately took us into the room.  The ultrasound showed a heartbeat and then contractions started and then everything stopped.  We watched our baby boy die.  It was devastating.  The doctor was able to remove our son from my womb.  The hemorrhaging subsided that evening.  I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time.  The doctor called it a catastrophic hemorrhage.  It was my mom's birthday and I had to call her to wish her a happy birthday.  I called.  My voice must have been shaking, she immediately asked what was wrong and I lost it.  She came over immediately and held me.  We were all devastated.  It was so much harder this time around.  It was a Wednesday, I took Thursday off work and went back on Friday.  On Friday, I just hid in my office.  I didn't talk to anyone, not really sure why I went to work.  

The grief process was terrible the second time around.  Again, I could be strong at work and in public with my secret loss, but as soon as I would come home, I crumbled.  I lost all motivation for everything.  A counselor from the IVF clinic called to check in on me.  She gave me a couple names of counselors who specialize in IVF counseling that were local.  The best thing I did was to immediately contact one of the counselors.  I met with her twice a week initially.  She helped me grieve and realize that the emotions I was having were normal.  She reassured me that grief is a personal process and different for everyone.  There was no right way to get through this.  I also came to realize that I would never overcome our losses, but learn to cope with them.  My husband was an amazing support.  He was grieving too while still being strong for me.  There would be nights where we would hold each other and cry.  There was nothing we could do, but go through the grief together.  Our counselor was there for us throughout it all.  She was always willing to listen and helped us answer our own questions, worries and fears.  She never judged us.  We never blamed ourselves for our losses which was one strength that we held onto.  

Now that I am 25 weeks pregnant, the fears and concerns sometimes still creep in.  The doctors reassured us that the 2 miscarriages were so different and not cause for concern for a future pregnancy.  (We had chromosomal testing on both babies  prior to transfer and there were no abnormalities.)  Despite this reassurance, fear still sneaks in occasionally.  I practiced a lot of mediation, positive thinking and visualization throughout the counseling sessions. That has been amazingly beneficial throughout this recent pregnancy.  Of course with the complications that we have experienced with this pregnancy I can get down and think what next, what else could go wrong.  I do know that doesn't help, so I work to get back to positive thoughts as best I can.  My husband has been so positive and strong during this pregnancy.  He continues to be my strength, my love and my rock. I can always count on him.  He encourages me to talk about things whenever I need to.  He listens with a careful ear and we work together through it all.  We are so fortunate to have each other.  We know that we will both be vulnerable at times and we know that we can always count on one another.  We still think of our 2 babies that we lost.  I will always know what their birthdates should have been.  I will always remember the feelings of loss.  And, we have learned to cope with our new normal. We learned that we can overcome anything that is thrown our direction. We learned that we are so much stronger than we ever thought! 

23 weeks & 3 days

Today was my appointment with the high risk doctor.  I love getting to see our baby girl.  She looked great and is right on schedule.  Lots to be thankful for.  She needs to continue growing and gain weight. We need her to stay put until 30 weeks.  I'm 23 weeks 3 days today.

My job requires me to be on my feet a lot.  The doctor wants me to have a desk job, which I don't have.  So, he placed me on medical leave for the duration of my pregnancy.  It is bitter sweet.  I love my job and have been so dedicated for so many years.  However, from the beginning of this journey, I have always said that my baby comes first.  I know that this is what is best for baby girl.  I kind of knew this was coming, but it is still going to take some time getting accustom to it. 

I think what makes this so hard is not knowing if baby girl is going to be okay.  Ever since the cerclage, I have been scared about a premature birth.  Throughout this pregnancy, I've continued to think, if I can just make it to 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, etc.  Now I am realizing that these mini-goals are never enough.  My new goal is 30 weeks.  I'm sure that if/when I reach that I will have a new goal.  I just want my little one to be healthy and strong. 

         

Feeling Excited

We announced our pregnancy on facebook yesterday.  It felt good to share our good news.  Most people knew, but there is something about being totally open about it.  Lots of people are happy for us.  It feels good to have so much positive support.  

We had a follow up appointment on Thursday.  It went really well.  Looks like the cerclage was successful and definitely the right decision.  We had another ultrasound.  Baby girl was in the fetal position and sleepy.  We did get to see her wiggle a little and her heartbeat was great.  She also cooperated, so they were able to get her spine measurements.  Everything looked perfect.  It felt good to have a positive appointment.  I feel much more optimistic after meeting with the doctor.  He gave us a lot of reassurance.  

I have always wanted to do one of these silly updates below.  I am so happy that I finally feel comfortable enough to share.

Sleep: I'm exhausted when I get home from work.  I go to bed much earlier than I did before I was pregnant.  My ribs get sore, so there is a lot of tossing and turning.  Some nights I can fall back asleep and others, I seem to be up for a hour or two.  Not to mention waking up to go to the bathroom 2-3 times a night.

Symptoms: Sometimes I still get queasy, but at least the vomiting has subsided. For months I was getting sick 3-5 times a day.  

Best moment of this week: Going to the doctor and seeing our little girl again.  I love ultrasounds.

Miss anything:  I miss sleeping on my belly. I miss having an appetite.      

Movement: Lots of little kicks. I love to feel her move.  Nothing too big, I think due to my anterior placenta.  

Food cravings: Roast beef deli sandwich.  My husband already knows he needs to bring one to the delivery room.  

Anything making you queasy or sick: The thought of ground beef & the smell of fish.

Gender: Baby girl!!!!!

How's your mood? Depends on the day.  Feeling more reassured now. Sometimes I get scared of what could go wrong.  I have to remain optimistic and visualize good thoughts.  

Looking forward to: I have Oct 13th & 14th off work.  My husband booked me a massage for Oct.13th. Our next appointment is Oct 19th.    

The Bump: It seems so big to me, but friends and co-workers keep commenting how little it looks.  I'm still below my starting weight. I lost 10 lbs. from all the morning sickness and have only gained back 4.5 lbs. so far.

Beginning to Share Our Journey

It's been a heck of a ride getting to this point.  But, here I am, 21 weeks pregnant and so excited.  

Not many know our journey.  That was a decision we made.  Pros and cons exist in keeping it to ourselves.  At this point, I am ready to tell our story.  Really, I just need to get some things out.  A bit of therapy for myself.  I just need to write.  This is more for me than for others.  If others benefit and relate, great.  If not, it's not for them, it's for me. 

About 2 years ago, we decided to pursue IVF.  We always knew we would have to use IVF if we wanted to start a family.  We looked deeply into foster care before we chose this path.  It helped us decide that IVF was the path we wanted to explore.  The beginning of IVF was exciting.  We were innocent and didn't know the challenges and pain that could come with it.  Our first try resulted in a positive pregnancy test.  It also resulted in our first miscarriage.  Our second try resulted in our 2nd positive pregnancy test.  It resulted in our second devastating miscarriage.  Third transfer, resulted in our third positive pregnancy test.  This one has stuck!  Every time we go in for an appointment, I hold my breath.  In between appointments, we practice optimism and visualizing a strong, healthy baby.  It's not always easy, but we have to believe this is going to happen.  That we will become Mommy & Daddy to a live baby.  We already are Mommy & Daddy to the children we lost - but others don't see that.

This week has been tough.  On Monday, we had our 20-week ultrasound.  Everything looked great.  Baby is strong and healthy.  Organs look great, heart is strong, fingers and toes are wiggling.  But one thing, is not so great.  I have a shortened cervix, also known as an incompetent cervix (IC). We met with the doctor who shared that we needed to do something or miscarriage was inevitable.  Our happiness and excitement, quickly turned to fear and worry.  We would do anything for our little one.  Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday.  We were reassured that surgery has a high rate of success and will likely allow our baby to grow safely in the womb until it is time for birth.  

On Wednesday, we headed to the hospital for surgery.  A cervical cerclage.  General anesthesia was used, so I don't remember the procedure.  I do remember waking up with painful cramping.  It scared me that something was wrong, that I was having contractions and labor was going to occur.  I refused additionally pain meds, I didn't want my baby to be exposed to any more medication than necessary.  A few hours later, I was finally discharged and allowed to head home.  Home was where I needed to be.  That evening, the pain subsided.  

Thursday was uneventful.  My husband stayed home and pampered me.  We held each other and were thankful that my IC was caught.  The doctor indicated that I had started to dilate and we caught it in time.  We knew that we did the right thing.  

Friday morning, I woke to fluid leakage and concerning discharge.  I yelled to my husband that something was wrong.  We called the doctor and they immediately told me to get to the hospital.  Worry is an understatement.  We got there quickly and I was admitted to labor and delivery.  They checked me out and reassured us.  They believed it was just residual effects from the surgery and not concerning.  They monitored me and the the baby for several hours before discharging us from the hospital.  I felt foolish for causing so much worry for others.  My husband and parents were so concerned.  Then I remembered, I would never forgive myself for ignoring something that could potentially prevent the loss of our baby.  So, I'm glad we went and so thankful that all is well.  They did another ultrasound and we got a glimpse of our baby again - still strong and healthy.  

We go back for a follow-up appointment on Thursday.  We will get another glimpse at our baby.  At the ultrasound on Monday, they couldn't get good measurements of the spine, so they need to repeat that part.  Hopefully the remainder of this pregnancy will be typical and uneventful.